Not Sick but Not Well Either

What it's like having health anxiety during Coronavirus

Written by Elle Nolan

Health anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. There was no event that triggered it. No rhyme, or reason why I was this way. It was always just a part of who I was, no matter how much I tried to fix or ignore it.

My History With Anxiety

In elementary school, I constantly asked my teacher if I could go to the nurse. This wasn't because I wanted to get out of class, I actually was a straight-A student who enjoyed school. I was just so terrified of being sick or something bad happening to my body that any time anything felt even the slightest bit amiss, I had to get help.

Middle-school involved doing everything I could not to throw up no matter how sick I was because I'd developed emetophobia. High-school had me sitting in class occasionally scared that my sudden racing heart was a sign I was about to have a heart attack. I didn't know what anxiety was, and I thought I was managing these fears well enough. That was until I got to college.

My Panic Attacks

After an unknown viral infection followed by food poisoning, I was trying my best to be healthy. I dropped the junk food, went on walks, ate more fruits and veggies, and even started taking a yoga class. But despite my efforts, one evening after dinner while watching TV I suffered my first panic attack.

I remember feeling a weird adrenaline rush and a sense of impending doom I couldn't shake. Soon, it felt hard to breathe properly. Everything around me seemed too bright while every sound seemed too loud. I went to the bathroom and shut the door, getting into “child's pose” and closing my eyes.

What felt like hours was probably only 20 minutes in reality, but the panic attack eventually passed. I felt so exhausted by it that all I managed to do after that was get a glass of water and go to bed.

After that first panic attack, I spent many months afraid that would happen again. I kept doing yoga, kept eating healthy, followed a strict sleep schedule, and started meditating. Life kept going, and even though I was scared I was making it through.

I knew I had anxiety, but I told myself I could handle it. Diet, meditation, and yoga were all I needed. Then I had my second panic attack last November.

This time I wasn't in the comfort of my own home, I was at the gym. The gym was more crowded than usual and I was having to wait to use each piece of equipment I wanted. People were everywhere. Any time I glanced at the stairs, more people were coming up.

Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I attempted to look anywhere that seemed less crowded, but only saw more people. So much eye contact with strangers happened that I felt even worse.

I tried to relax but nothing worked. No matter what I did, I felt myself spiraling. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing how pale I was as I watched myself try to breathe.

I knew I needed to get out.

As I walked out of the fitness center, I tried to calm myself enough to get my belongings out of my locker. The locker room was so crowded and each locker someone closed would slam so loudly that I wasn't sure if I would even be able to remember my combination.

Thankfully, I managed. As I grabbed everything and left, I kept trying to breathe. I didn't even say goodbye to my friends who had come to the gym with me. I was sure I was going to pass out or have a heart attack or stroke.

I got to my car and just burst into tears. It had been 4 years since my last panic attack and I thought I would never have one again. I was wrong, and my current reality scared and saddened me so much for my future.

2020 and Coronavirus

Luckily, having health anxiety had always motivated me to go to my annual checkups with my doctor every year. Even though the appointments themselves triggered my anxiety, being able to see whether or not something was actually wrong with me always helped in the long-run. This year, my doctor performed a mental health check without me having to bring my anxiety up at all.

My results for anxiety were off the charts. She suggested I try therapy and a low-dose of an SSRI: Lexapro. I was so thrilled with the idea of getting help that I agreed.

I started my Lexapro in January, and even though the first few weeks were difficult (upset stomach, insomnia, and a really bad panic attack at work) I pushed through. The medication allowed me to go on my dream trip to Japan at the very beginning of Coronavirus, which I talk about here.

Because of my health anxiety, I was obviously scared but I also felt that it made me prepared. I already was in the habit on stocking up on groceries and supplies, because I was always afraid of what would happen if I got sick or didn't feel well and couldn't go to the store.

I also felt like the medication and therapy came at just the right time to get me through these uncertain times. While I stay home as much as possible and do everything I can to be safe, I'm realizing how much my anxiety has improved.

I could barely go to the grocery store even before the pandemic, as the bright lights and tons of people tended to trigger me sometimes. But now, I go in mask on and even if I feel the anxiety building, I stop, get myself to breathe a little and keep going.

While living with health anxiety during Coronavirus is far from easy, it has made me realize how far I have come with my mental health. I have started to learn and accept that my body is just trying to protect me, and I love it for that. I don't know how long these scary days will last, but I know I can make it through.

Written by Elle Nolan | Original Medium article link: Not Sick but Not Well Either